Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday, September 15, 2008

TARRAWINGEE Football Club is celebrating its first flag in 18 years after defeating Bright in the Ovens and King league grand final on Saturday.

The Bulldogs burst out of the blocks in the first quarter, piling on five goals to Bright's one.

Stephen Pickering booted three goals in the club's drought-breaking victory, while the league's leading goalkicker Brendan Sessions was held to two.

The Bulldogs made the most of the traditional ``premiership quarter'', slotting six goals to one in the third term to put the result beyond doubt.

Final scores were Tarrawingee 14.10 (94) to Bright 8.11 (59).

And they're all halal.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Hadron collider / end of the world

Journailsts say that a funny thing has happened in the universe. Within the closer presence of Sarah Palin, Bill O'reilly has done a bit of a flip on his party's moral stance on teenage pregnancy.

Heading the team of some world-class skeptic journalists is Professor Jon Stewart.

'We have been closely observing the behaviour of GOPtrons, the small elements present in all quasi-journalistic right-wing TV 'reports'. The strongest sources of these GOPtrons are Karlrovium and Billoreilline. Other sources on the far-right of the periodic table are Michellemalkinium, and Anncoulterium, although those last two are very toxic and should only be approached with the proper protective clothing.'

Professor Stewart says 'As we see it, all particles that spew from the mouth of these sources possess a large amount of spin. Usually to the right. However, in large magneto-political fields created by the family of Sarah Palin, they sometimes perform a complete 180-degree flip.. Curious, indeed.'

Professor Jon Stewart has managed to observe one GOPtron to spin to the right, while simultaneously observing another opposing GOPtron to very closely spin to the left.

'Bringing these GOPtrons into contact with one another, hopefully, will destroy the world as the Republican party knows it. We hope to bring these two sources close together with our Large Hadron Collider, possibly by interviewing Falafel Bill on the Colbert Report, sometime close to the November election. We will ask him to explain himself and see what happens. Heehee hee!'

If what he and his team predict is true, Bill O'Reilly will collapse into a quivering, stuttering plasma and shrink into a tiny ball of light. Then disappear into nothingness with a little 'thwip' sound. All that will be left from this collapse will be a falafel on the seat where Bill used to be.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

but it's still a pig

McCain dragged a (foxy..) woman to his side to get the Republican vote going. I don't think Oh-Balmer was referring to Palin when he said 'You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.'

'You hear that, people? He was referring to my woman Vice-president!! you hear him say lip-stick?! He means you, Sarah!! God-damn, Balmer!'

Which get me to Hutton's quote (I can't find it) where some Kraut comes to Britain and says 'und ze women.. Mein Gott! I have seen prettier faces at the Arschdorf Pig Fair!'

'Now, listen here, Fritz..'

The thing is, you can put lipstick on a fox, BUT IT'S STILL LIPSTICK!!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Myrtleford pot growers lament 'legitimate job front' loss

TWO years ago the town of Myrtleford was rocked local jazz band 'Hot Ovens' and also by the closure of the century-old tobacco industry. 'What the hell crops are we supposed to hide our mull plants in?', asked an angry local.

The small town at the foot of the Victorian Alps was dealt a new blow this week with news of 31 lay-offs at the town's biggest employer, the Myrtleford Mill.

Frank Orchiette, pictured, wonders how long his underpaid workers will last without their legitimate jobs of timber milling. Sophie Panopo// Mirabella MP conjectured that she doesn't want 'all those bastards driving past my new fucking house to go to their new jobs at fucking Dominance. I'm sick of being offered a good price for a quarter-ounce at 6 in the morning, especially with my new-born (demon) child and shit. Why don't they build a lipstick plant? Dickheads! You wanna cup of coffee?'

Unease and insecurity were common among residents of Myrtleford and the nearby funnily name Eurobin who fear more jobs will be shed and that locals and their money will leave town. Which is kinda what the tourists want. Unease and insecurity were common among residents anyway, considering they provide Victorians with 40% of their marijuana and 100% of their chop-chop.

The secretary of the forestry branch of the Construction, Forestry, Mining and Energy Union, Jane Calvert, wondered aloud what the hell, really, an American company cared about the Australian workers of a Kiwi company they just fucking took over.

'Euro-bin, look at that sign there. That's where you put your Euro-trash, right?! Hahhaha, burn! Nah, I'm not from DSE', quipped Calvert.

Ms Calvert estimated $1 million in wages would disappear from the town of 3000. Some 4500 people live in the district, +/- Luke Meader if you include Nug Nug.
Mancunian ex-pat David Glenister commented 'Is Chris Judd really the captain of Carlton? Fuck me, that's like putting a Ken-doll head on Barbie!'
Frank Corniola, Myrtleford's Italian Social Club president, was not available for comment.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The punt to Ponting!

This is my mate Teal in a Wilfred costume.

We had to confiscate his shovels. We know it's a cry for help that he keeps digging up the back yard, but to see him in a bobcat? Jesus!

Adam, the only failure in life is the failure to try. The punt to Ponting!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Salford, Manchester

Met my girl by the gasworks wall

Dreamed the dreeeeeeam, by the old canal

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Alan Greenspan's Bedtime Stories: Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye extremely young individual entering the first period of existence upon an arboreal promontory.

When the foreboding air currents accumulate with significant force the framework in which you repose will undergo a series of motions impossible to foretell that might -- one hastens underscore -- lead to the eventually deleterious consequences amidst the appendages of the arboreal entity, resulting in a rapid and potentially hazardous downturn for you, said extremely young human individual, and your non-proprietary possession in the form of the aforementioned framework for repose.